How Not to Take Over the World

The Evil Mastermind has at his disposal:
1: A guy who can generate winds sufficiently powerful to smash his way into Tony Stark’s Vault of Dangerous Top Secret Things™.
2: A radiation source capable of melting a battleship in a matter of seconds, through a mile or so of water.
3: A cosmic space dragon.
4: A super-genius, who in turn controls:
5: “Titanium Man”, an unstoppable force of destruction.

So, what’s his clever plan to Conquer the World, BWAHAHAHAH!!! ?Board a sub in mid-ocean (note: no water-powers guys to help with this), mind-control the crew so they don’t fight back, plant the radiation device on the sub, and wait a year.

Simultaneously, have the wind guy break into Stark Industries and steal a single microchip, figuring it won’t be missed amidst the rubble and fire. Of course, the chip must be stolen the exact same day that the sub is commandeered–you couldn’t, say, do it a random number of days before or after, thus making it harder to connect the two events.

Wait one year.

If Iron Man figures out what is going on during that time, that’s ok, because your cosmic space dragon (which could probably lay waste to Great Britain all by itself) is watching over the sub, and will attack anyone who gets too close. And, if the cosmic space dragon is insufficient, then you can always call in Titanium Man.

To be clear, Titanium Man is a double-size, tougher, stronger Iron Man, without the scruples. Completely unstoppable. Unless you knock him down and roll him up in the street asphalt, and then throw him into space so hard he explodes (probably from the friction from colliding with all that vacuum).

After a year, the crew will have turned into radioactive zombies, which will then invade England through the Chunnel. The superior numbers all coming through one narrow choke point will make them harder to stop by a handful of supers than if they, say, came up out of the sea all across the island/continent/world. They will, of course, enter the Chunnel deep under the sea, but in such a way that the Chunnel isn’t flooded (because that would just be senseless destruction?).

Radioactive zombies are completely unstoppable. Except if someone destroys the controlling device built with the only Stark microchip you have (because if you’d stolen more than one from Stark, they would’ve noticed), they stop fighting and just stand there. Oh, and apparently Iron Man has a sidekick who can de-zombie them, but only once they hold still.

And this is why I’m not even bothering with the 2nd episode of Iron Man: The Animated Series. Nor should you. I haven’t even mentioned the horrible dialogue (Roady suits up as Warmachine and then, apropos of nothing says–not shouts or chants, just says–to an empty room “Warmachine”); the completely 1-dimensional heroes and villains; the blah animation, interrupted by a jarring 3D CGI transformation sequence for Iron Man that is more Sailor Moon than high tech suit of armor; the painful soundtrack; or the unusually arbitrary character power levels, even for supers–one of Iron Man’s sidekicks can apparently “bend time and space” for transportation, but they don’t even bother with an excuse for why they can’t just go back to when the sub was taken and investigate or stop it. Oh, wait, now I have.

Given the above resources, can you construct a worse plan to take over the world? Remember: using the above resources. You don’t have to use them efficiently, but you do have to use them.


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